I am tired of being yelled at for leaving the seat up. What is the deal with this? If you need it down, put it down; if you need it up, put it the hell up! Why is ‘down’ the default setting? I feel discriminated against. And if you accidentally sit on the cold porcelain, why is this my fault? Stop drinking!

I’m gonna invent a seat with a spring that keeps it up unless you push it down and weight it with your caboose. You get up, up it springs! Go ahead boys, put it on your wish list. I’m going over to the workshop right now.

Why do I feel like I just lost half of my audience?

Now, if you don’t know me, I am usually loathe to give out parental advise-I am no Ward Cleaver- but I feel justified, as a public figure, in saying this; parents, if your going to park an experimental aircraft in your back yard, you may want, uh, I dunno… to ensure that your children have limited unsupervised access to said conveyance. You know, we are required by law to put a fence around a pool, and pools typically have little risk of whisking your child into the ether at 25 knots.

Also, if your 15 minutes of reality t.v. fame are up, this is a crappy way of extending your coverage.

You know, a simple call to my wife would’ve tipped you off to the fact that I’m not as nice as you thought I was.

More crap about my weight today. Double barrel. First my marketing department spent 20 minutes on my receding waistline and ‘brand recognition’ until I threw the entire department out of the meeting and onto their tight little asses.

Then I get home, and the old lady starts hammering me about it.

Okay, raise your hand if it ruins your Christmas if I’m under 225. Go ahead, let me have it. Raise your hand if my having more energy, better cholesterol numbers, and the use of my left arm is going to somehow put a dent in your Yuletide spirit. It’s not like your ever even gonna friggin’ see me!

You know how I get my revenge? I rent ‘The Year Without a Santa Claus’ about five times on Pay-Per-View within the course of one week. Send’s ‘em into a friggin’ spin.

Naughty or nice? You decide.

Paula Deen

Paula Deen. I think she’s dreamy. Don’t know what it is. Don’t worry, I’m a good boy, but, I’m telling ya’ll. She’s my latest schoolyard crush. She can baste me, roll me in butter and crushed pecans and deep fry me anytime.

I finally broke down and bought an iPod Touch.  I went all the way and bought the latest one, 64gigs, leather belt case-the whole nine yards.   I think the accessories cost more than the actual iPod.  Damn shame none of it was made by my people.  The clip on the case is pure Chinese crap.

My tech guy here told me he was going to hook me up with some ‘Apps’. ( I am saying this right?) Anyone have any favorites?  I am a big fan of Tetris!

Today, more noise about my weight. Maybe this whole image thing is part of the problem. Does it really matter what I look like? I am tired of living up to this iconic idea of who everybody thinks I should be. Right down to the waistline. Who really gives a crap how jolly I am? It’s frigging unhealthy!

Ya know what I miss? Wooden trains. And I’m not talking about little 3” chunks of marketing with magnets either. I miss wooden frigging trains. There were some nice German ones, and we used to make some beautiful stuff, too.